my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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