i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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