Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
