you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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