I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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