I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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