I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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