remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
