he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
