"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
