I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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