The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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