She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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