sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
