just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Me too!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
