I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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