Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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