hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
