let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa