When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
