So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..