we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
