I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
