Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
