I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
