The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
