I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
