Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
