my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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