i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We have so much sex to catch up on
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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