I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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