I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
