The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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