Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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