I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Randomize
