I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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