The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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