You're a womanizer and a bitch.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
