well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
