i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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