If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
