it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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