New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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