She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
