Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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