I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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