you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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