your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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