I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
