Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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