We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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