She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
