hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
