So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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