It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Two words: nipple clamps
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