what day is it and did you see me today?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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