do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
